Sue's Blog - Some assembly required.

Christmas Idiot.

Off we went to :- visit this year's Christmas display at the bank and then on to Christmas Carol at the theatre.
The display, as always, was brilliant.
It changes every year and it has become one of our traditions to visit it on our way to the theatre.

We had put our glad rags on for the occasion and I thought I looked passable.
We both scrubbed up quite well, as they say, but unfortunately I didn't realise that I still had my idiot magnet in my coat pocket.
We arrived at the theatre, found our seats and settled down.
We didn't know that we would have Cousin Eddy's (from National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation) little known, imbecilic, moronic brother, sitting behind us.
Two lumbering oafs, brothers apparently, accompanied by a tiny elderly lady (who turned out to be their mother....saints preserve us) arrived loudly.
The loudest had all the personality traits attributed to the badly stereotyped American often portrayed in old movies.
He was loud and obnoxious. Please believe me....Americans are not generally like this. We have always found them to be kind and polite....mostly.
This did not bode well.
After complaining, loudly, to "Ma" about how bad the seats were and that he had better seats before when he had seen various bands, it became apparent that poor little, aged "Ma" had bought the tickets.
The lights dimmed and the show started. He quietened down a bit and the first half passed uneventfully.
Then it was the intermission.
Sigh.........
He really let fly then.
"Why were they talking in English with English accents?".....he couldn't understand them.
If ever there was an English movie on at home he would turn it off because he couldn't understand them. Why couldn't they speak in American accents? "
He thought it was crap and wouldn't have come if he had known they would be speaking in English accents.
"If it got any worse, he might leave and go to the bar up the street where they could meet him when it was over." Oh we wished.

All this time poor little "Ma" was saying pathetically that she could understand it and she had been to see this play 4 or 5 times and always loved it.
He meanwhile, totally oblivious to how ignorant and boorish he was, banged on about how much the tickets were. "Ma" had obviously bought them as a Christmas treat for her two sons.
I felt so sorry for her.
"Well, I think it sucks", he wailed, " I can't understand the stupid English accents."

By now I had had enough. Those that know me know that I have a long rope but will reach the end of it eventually.
I turned round and said to him in my best English accent "Would you like me to translate it for you?"
His face was a picture.
You have to understand that there are virtually no British or English living in Milwaukee. We know a couple ....that is all.
So, when we are out people are always amazed when we speak.....coo....we have accents.
I could see he didn't know whether I was putting an accent on at first.
He spluttered and blustered a bit, obviously even a lout such as he could be embarrassed.
"I really don't mind", I continued, " There are two of us here who could translate for you if you are having that much of a problem."
For a while he was struck dumb. It didn't last long though.
The rest of the intermission was taken up with him bemoaning the fact that his implanted teeth were playing him up.
Apparently, they were fine for the first two months but now they were giving him jip.
I wanted to suggest keeping his mouth shut more might do the trick but decided against it.
He went on...and on.....the teeth had cost him sixteen thousand dollars and he thought that he was allergic to them.

The second half started. He quietened down a bit after a few shs's.
Towards the end it was very quiet, maybe he went to sleep.
When it was over I turned around as I was getting my coat on just in time to see the back of him making a very hasty exit. He was like a rat up a drain pipe.
His family were still getting their coats etc.
It made me chuckle all the way home to think that little me had almost scared the pants off a large, backward, inconsiderate yob.
An English accent will do that over here.

posted by Sue Banks @ 10:28 AM