Sue's Blog - Some assembly required.

Giants and hermaphrodites

This morning I once again took my life in my hands and ventured out to the mall.
As I approached the bus shelter I could see there was someone already waiting for the bus.
As I drew closer I found I could not distinguish whether this person was male or female.
Well, I know it is Wisconsin and we all 'bundle up' this time of year but even so it is usually pretty apparent what gender someone is.
Nope, couldn't tell. No particular shape and the face could have swung it either way (poor thing).
It also looked like it had come from the "shallow end" of the gene pool and worthy of some compassion.
I was just beginning to think, rather complacently, that if this was the strength of my "idiot of the day " encounter.......then.....poo....I can handle this.
Poo indeed.
From nowhere, it seemed, there appeared a huge neanderthal man. He was at least 9 feet 10 ins tall and big.
In a deep, guttural voice he yelled,

"WHAT TIME BUS?"

It was rather obvious that he had fallen out of the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down before landing in the Ugly Bush.

My small voice quavered as I meekly replied, "ermmm....anytime now I think".
He then flapped his coat at me as he bellowed,

"COLD COLD COLD"

What....was he thinking I would crawl in there and give him a hug to keep him warm?

Once more I found myself praying for the bus.
It seems I spend most of my time praying for buses.
I am beginning to believe that if the Lord decides to call me, then there will be no stairway to Heaven for me.
No ferry across the River Styx........ no chariot of fire.
Nope.
When my ticket gets punched (so to speak ) I am sure it will be a Celestial Number 64 Bus that arrives to transport me to that great bus depot in the sky.
I digress.

Back to the bus shelter.
During this flapping display, our little hermaprodite friend showed that he/she had more common sense than x or y chromosomes, by making a hasty exit and standing just outside the shelter.
After about 5 years the bus appeared on the horizon like a knight in shining armour.
We all came out of the shelter........me last so I could keep an eye on Hagar The Horrible.
The bus arrived and then a strange thing happened.
Strange things often happen around me, but I guess you have noticed that.
Herman or Hermione the hermaphrodite, instead of getting on the bus, suddenly walked the other way and crossed the road.
What was that about?
Did the confines of a 56 seater present too small a personal space in which to avoid Ugg?
I shall never know.
I let the troll get on first and paused long enough for him to occupy his seat of choice before making my way to the back of the bus where I could continue to watch what he was doing.
He flapped at a lady sitting opposite and roared,

"COLD, COLD, COLD."

She, for some inexplicable reason, suddenly found something rivetting that caused her to stare fixedly out of the window.

You would think this latest adventure was over now but there is a twist in this tale.
I bet you think I make this stuff up. Well, I have to tell you that my imagination would never stretch this far.....it is all true.
Thankfully, he got off before me having flapped a few final flaps before leaving.
I watched him walk up the street.
Fascinated, I watched him go into a shop.
Not just any shop.
He went into, probably the poshest, most select, superior, made to measure tailor's shop in Milwaukee.
It is likely one of a few left.
I do not know of another "bespoke tailor" in the area.
This was not the ending I was expecting.
This would have been the last place I would have expected to see him enter.
I hope they make him something

"WARM WARM WARM"

posted by Sue Banks @ 12:28 PM